What Are These Feelings Called?
by green-mermaid
Summary: SBRL slash, rated T for language. Sirius never knew what were jealousy, heartbroken, happy, or enjoyable feelings before he met Remus. And what most important was, he never knew the feelings of love before he met that ambereyes boy.
1. Heartbeat

Disclaimer: I don't own Remus and Sirius... (sobbing bitterly)... they are copyrighted by J.K. Rowling... I just _playing _with them... (smirking vigorously)

Meet me again in Remus and Sirius pairing (in presenter tone)! Damn! They're so cute being together... Btw, I will make this story with Sirius' POV. And... this isn't the sequel of Ten Things I Love About You. Sorry... I haven't begun that story yet (giving lame excuses, blah blah blah). Anyway, enjoy!

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**What Are These Feelings Called, chapter 1**

**By green-mermaid

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**

I entered the Gryffindor common room and slammed my book on the table near the fireplace. James looked up from his Charms homeworks and frowned at me. I sat down quickly, 90 degrees from his seat. Peter, who sat across James, was looking at me fearfully. I was sure that he shifted his seat away from me. James kept looking at me without saying anything. He shrugged as he looked the _boy _who now entering our common room.

"Quarreling with Remus again?" James seemed didn't concern at my fight with Remus since he continuing his Charms (which due tomorrow). He asked me in lazy tone, inserting his feather into his quill.

I put a grumpy look to him and opened the _Inscrutable Magical Creatures_, a book which 3 inches thick, in random page. I tried to concentrate on sentences on that damn book and ended up re-read it for 10 times but no result. I didn't understand this at all! This was just the same as its name, _inscrutable. _

I glowered at the boy that just now entered the common room and now chatting happily with the redhead Lily Evans. I looked at him cynically though he seemed didn't feel it at all. I turned back to this shit book, muttering under my breath.

After a few seconds, he went upstairs to our dorm and Lily went out from that portrait hole. I decided to stop reading and spill everything to my best friend.

"He's really annoying, son of bitch, and a scum! Bloody hell!" I hit the thick book and ended up hurting my right hand (okay... that really stupid of me).

James looked up from his book again and Peter was frozen at my chosen words. Who cares!

"Okay... those are not quite good words to say," James released his round eyeglasses, resting his eyes from his askew glasses.

Peter continued scribbling something on his parchment. I didn't know whether he was writing something or scribbling. His handwriting was worst.

"What had he done this time? I mean... what had you done _again_ this time?" He corrected his sentence, accusing me in the guilty one shoes.

"Why do you always judge him as the _victim _and me as the one who rough him up?"

"Because it always likes that," He smiled innocently. "Oh... C'mon. I don't have much time hearing your oh-I-hate-that-boy story again," He was spinning Peter's pen gleefully.

He loved spinning the pen as he never looked something that round and could be used to write (it's a Muggle-thing. Did you know some interesting information about pen? Give it to James and he would kiss you for sure).

"It's just that I hate him and you know... I did another prank on him, ended up with I should pair up with him for Care for Magical Creatures. And he threw some killing glares on me coz I kept flirting with girls. And finally our work didn't finish because of his slow motion hand and the teacher gave us 10 pages assignment! And he gave me this _incrustrable _book to read! And I shall meet him at 8 this evening in library! Merlin's beard. Did I speak without taking a breath?" I panted heavily as if I had been running for 50 km.

"Uh-huh... wonderful ability I should say," James commented simply and gawked at me. "Anyway, I pity Remus for having you as his partner," He patted me on my back slightly.

"Didn't you pity on me?" I glared at him.

"Nope. Not at all. And by the way, you spelled inscrutable with incrustrable," James put his glasses again; signing his time for my sharing-unhappy-moments was up.

"And you said 'and' word four times in row," Peter added slowly.

I rolled my eyeballs and slammed closed the book again. "You're not helping at all, you know that?"

I stormed outside the portrait hole, grumbling. James and Peter shrugged their shoulder and turned back to their works. Damn! Actually, I was waiting for them for saying sorry!

I sighed. It was still fresh in my mind when I first arrived in platform nine and three-quarters, when I first saw that amber boy on the first time, and when I first disliked him for sure.

* * *

I would never forget that time since I couldn't control my feelings. I looked up to a scarlet steam engine which puffing smoke over a platform packed with witches and wizards seeing their children onto the train. 

I examined my surroundings, adapting my senses to the bustling air. My (noisy) auntie was calling me but I pretended not hearing her at all due to the lively noises. I had been dreaming to go out from that uncomfortable mansion of mine. I hate all Black family members. They were annoying, evil, sly, deceitful, well... some weren't though. I've promised to myself that I wouldn't sly as them and that's why I didn't want to be a Slytherin. I _must not be _the Slytherin.

A glimpse of black and messy hair passed me. And there, I saw a boy around my age with his (very likely) father and mother. He complained to his parents about how he already could take care of himself. I bet that he's pure-blood since he was like me. I mean... everything in our mansion was already served by our house-elves and I became a nasty spoilt boy (yes... I conceded it myself!). Though, I often wanted to be claimed as a fully developed person (and it wasn't at all). I observed the boy more. His parents insisted that they would keep him company till the train ran to the school. He rolled his eyes and said a quick 'good-bye' before stepping onto the Hogwarts Express.

Then I saw a scare cat boy who also around my age (though his face looked alike rat). I watched his clumsiness with his frog. A prefect asked him about his ticket but seemed like he heard it: cricket, racket, trinket, and many other unusual things. The prefect lost his patience and finally left him with his confound. After the prefect left him, his parents (who also looked alike rat) came and gave him crackers. He suddenly shouted: "Oh! He meant the ticket!" His parents exchanged looks and I shrugged my shoulder. _A unique one..._

And I was about to hop into the scarlet train when a glimpse of golden shone not far away from my step. I didn't continue forward to the train. Instead, I stood still, curious about the owner of that golden hair. After two prefects walked away, I could see the owner's hair completely. His face was cute actually and seemed like he was going by himself since I didn't see any people around him and he was absorbed by a book he was reading. I eyed him more and I realized that his skin was so white and beautiful. Nope... he wasn't handsome for me, but beautiful. More beautiful than girls I had known.

My auntie had lost her patience towards me now and was screaming at me. She shouted as if I was at the outer space. I sighed and came towards her. She was very angry to me, but being a stubborn boy I was, I ignored her completely and stepped onto the train, humming an I-created-my-own-song.

She was yelling non-stop though I was already on the train. Maybe I should bring her to psychiatrist to check her brain whether she was insane or not (I hope she was insane! I'm very sure about that... ). I mean... she knew that she was really only wasting her time and energy yelling at unimportant things.

I sighed and began to search for a compartment. I could see my cousin, Patricia Parkinson, got along well to a (looks like) deceitful girl on the left compartment. I shook my head and walked to the right, avoiding her. I opened almost all the compartment but was full.

_Okay... now I regretted ignoring that blabbermouth auntie. _

I sighed and opened another compartment. And I saw the black and messy hair boy before. He sat together with the rat-liked face boy. Across them, I could see the modest and simple boy with golden hair before. Next to him was empty seat and I entered the compartment.

"Can I sit here? All compartment is full already," I grinned.

"Sure!" The black-haired boy replied me gleefully as if he had known me for such a long time.

"Ye... Yes... Of... Of course," The rat-liked face boy added though it's too late since I had hopped to the fluffy seat (which was soft like sofa!).

The boy next to me didn't reply me at all. He kept reading his book as if it was the most important and interesting in the world.

I shrugged my shoulder. I wasn't really going well with book-worm boy type. And I really thought that I would never be and want to be his friend. _Never! _I mean... that type never knew fun at all. All he knew was book, book, and book. Boring.

I looked up and grinned. The black haired boy also grinned back and then we said at the same time our name.

"Sirius Black,"

"James Potter"

It was really at the same time that we finally didn't hear each other name. We laughed and he gave his hand, asking for shaking hand with me. I grabbed his hand, grinned.

"James Potter. Nice to meet you,"

"Hi! Sirius Black. Looks like we're going to get along well,"

I could see the rat-liked face boy looked up and eyed my hand and James' hand, looking adorably as if he wanted badly to enter our newly-born friendship. James seemed to notice it and smiled to him.

"What's your name?"

"Pet... Petti...Pettigrew. I'm Peter Pettigrew," he said in stutter. His face showed a disbelieving look to James, maybe he didn't think that James would greet him.

He looked a bit cheerful now. James smiled and shook his hand.

"Nice to meet you! Hope we can get along well,"

I looked to the amber eyes boy who sat next to me. I didn't know whether he ignored our warming-welcome-to-each-other or he didn't hear us since the book absorbed his attention too much. But, didn't he know that he was the only one who hadn't spoken up yet?

I sighed. I really didn't like speaking to a guy like him, but... worth to try, right? I mean... first impression sometimes wrong. So, I greeted him.

"Sirius Black. And you?"

He sighed and faced me. Wow! He got a beautiful amber eyes and his hair ran smoothly along with the wind when he raised his head.

He looked at me sharply and put his serious face. "I know your name already since you'd said it three times so you don't need to say it more. Besides, is this warming welcome really important? I don't think so, _Sirius Black_"

He closed his book and walked out from our compartment. From the compartment glass window, I could see that he was buying some snacks from a woman that walked along the corridor just now.

I was speechless and stunned. I didn't move from my pose and my neurons seemed stopped moving at once. My brain could process what he had said to me. I mean... I didn't expect him to be that _rude! _And James chortled at that time and took three minutes to get him back (he still chuckling a little).

* * *

_He didn't need to be that rude! I believe I'd hated him from that time for sure! _

I inserted my mashed potato harshly to my mouth and made James' attention turned to me.

"Woah... easy, boy! It's not the end of the world yet. Hello?" James cocked his eyebrow.

I ignored him, still eating my dinnerwith mad. Like the Great Hall which buzzed with student's voice, in my brain buzzing Remus' death sentence to me this noon. It's not that frightening. Sirius Black didn't have word "scare" in his dictionary. But, what made me scared (and also angry) was his expressionless face when his mouth throwing tantrum at me. I never knew that there's somebody who had that calm yet angry face.

I put down my spoon and fork and grabbed the thick book Remus gave me this noon. "I'm finished. See you later!"

"Wait! Where are you going?"

Okay, I knew that James would ask me that question because that's not my ritual to grab book after dinner. That's no so me! So, I'd prepared the answer for him. "Date with Remus in library!"

James choked his Pumpkin Juice and cocked his eyebrow. "WHAT!"

Oopps... the effect was far than I expected.

* * *

Somehow, I didn't really feel that bad stepping to the library. Usually, I should drag my feet (since it somehow gained too much weight if I went to the library). When I peeked inside the silent and empty library, I easily found the golden haired boy. I was about to enter and walked towards him when I saw another boy sat in front of him. 

And I saw Remus was laughing with that boy. Somehow a ton of steel fell into my lung and made me felt displeased seeing the view. I kept glaring at the boy which I couldn't see his face since he was backing me. Remus looked very enjoy chatting with him. He laughing many times and blushing even more.

There was a moment when they stopped chatting and Remus' laugh gradually quiet down because the boy looked intensely at Remus for a long time. He placed his hand in Remus cheek and trailed it to Remus' neck bone, feeling Remus' soft and white skin.

The boy leaned on Remus and it was only two inches away between him and Remus' lips. Okay... did I choke something in my throat when I had my dinner? Because I felt something on my throat. And it removed a bit when suddenly Remus blocked his lips with his palm, blushing furiously.

"Ahh... Don't misunderstand, Jerry. I... I... Black will come soon and I don't want him to misunderstand between you and me,"

I could hear Remus was stuttering in his word. I mean... he always calmed and looked like he already typed everything he needed to say in his brain. So, looking him stuttering was another new discovery for me about him. How many new discoveries I could have if I getting along with him? I was very curious about him now.

The boy named Jerry sat back and laid his head back. He crossed his hands, covering his eyes which now shut. Remus shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

"How long?"

"Pardon?"

"How long should I wait more, Rem? How long till you forgive me, Rem?" His voice increased. Remus seemed quivered in his seat.

"Je..."

"What? How dare you say another boy's name when there are only two of us here! Black will not come! He isn't a type that will fulfill his promises! Even though he came, let him know about us! What am I for you, Remus? Only _eternally-friend_!"

I couldn't control displeasing feeling I had in my heart. It felt like something had stuck in my heart nerves because my blood circulation had problems now, somehow. I should ask Madam Pomfrey whether I had some illness.

Oops, back to them again. Remus seemed lost his words. He looked away from Jerry's eyes. This was also new thing. Remus never looked away from his talking partner, especially when he was glaring at me sharply.

I walked towards them silently, feeling I had to save him from his losing words (though I wanted to see his face when he was losing words).

"Well... sorry that I'm not a type that will fulfill my promise," I slammed the thick book between them.

Both of them looked at me. Now, I could clearly the person who tortured my mouth-fighting enemy. I was more handsome than him. I was more attractive than him. I was _more than _him _in every aspect! _Why this damn Remus like him so much? He showed his happy face to this ugly boy but showing his upset face in front of me. Where did I do wrong?

"Black..." Remus' face showed his disbelieving.

"Did I disturb you two? Well, sorry about that. Let's get ready to our assignment, shall we, Lupin?"

Did I smile stiffly just now? Shit!

"Why..."

"If you please allow me to sit in your seat, Mr..." I ignored the amber eyes boy.

"Jerry Mackenzie. Black, please..." Remus answered me.

"Well, Mr Mackenzie, please get out. You don't want him to disturb us, do you, Remus?"

Jerry scoffed at me and stood up. Okay... he had the same height with me and now he was glaring me. His sapphire eyes shot my grey eyes. "Why must you come now, Black?"

I glared him back. "You don't like my presence?"

"Absolutely not. What are you planning in your mind? Disturbing us like this. Did you eavesdrop on our conversation?"

"What I see was you two weren't having a conversation," I stared at them blankly.

Crap! Stupid mouth of mine!

I could see that Remus' face was in crimson now and I hate seeing that. Dunno why. At time like this, I usually liked torturing him and laughed at his crimson face. The face which he never gave it to me before. So, this guy was his weakness, eh? Quite disappointing.

"Black, please... this night,..." Remus paused for a second, taking his breath deeply. "I cancel our meeting tonight. I mean... let me doing this assignment since I'm the one who is irresponsible," He took the thick book and placed it in his hand well.

"What!" I looked at him incredulously.

"Let me be with him, okay? This is a problem between him and me. Don't enter this problem and make it more complicated than it seems to be," Remus pushed me to the library door.

"He had done something you didn't want before!" I pointed at Jerry.

Jerry let out another scoff from his damn ugly face. "Don't interfere anyone's problem, do you know, Black? Doesn't your mother teach you that? You don't even know Remus' feelings or mine so you had no right to talk in here,"

_Strike! My mother never taught me anything..._

"Black, please get out, please?" Remus begged me. The steel that had been removed from my limp now came back again and hurting me even more.

"But,..."

"I love him!" Remus yelled. He took a deep breath before continued his sentence calmly. "I love him. So, please, give us a room". He clenched my cloak and bowed his head on me, begging to me which I thought he wouldn't do it even though the world stopped rotating.

Wait! Did he say something important just now, about his feeling? I turned my head 90 degree to him. My eyes showed my bewilderment, my throat choked, my tongue seemed lost its senses, and my lung couldn't pump the oxygen through my body.

And the most of all, I felt my heart broken, or did I really have some heart attack illness since I got many attacks tonight? Or was it because of this amber eyes boy?

- TBC -

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Yep! That's for today... many complications next! XD anyway, hope you love it! Review! Review! Review! 


	2. Realization

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Not any single name of Remus or Sirius! You do know whom they belongs to... :-(

Dedicated especially for **actually omniscient, **and an **anonymous **for taking a minute of your life to review my story which wasn't worthy at all (though I love it... lol).

Anyway... I forget to place a **Warning **in first chapter. So, here is the warning: Remus x Sirius slash... if you think you don't like this pairing and couldn't get over it, the exit door is on the right top of your window. Enjoy!

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**What Are These Feelings Called, Realization**

**By green-mermaid

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**

I didn't quite sure how I get into the common room. All I knew was after that amber eyes boy said something that was beyond my brain; my feet walked by itself and led the way without the work of my brain. And soon, they led me to this familiar common room of my dorm.

I stuffed myself on the red coach near the fireplace, the usual place for James, Peter, and I (though sometimes I saw Remus sat on the coach too). I stared blackly to the blazing fire on the fireplace while my brain stopped thinking.

_Remus... the one whom I always torture these three years? Remus... the one whom I always quarrel with these three years? Remus Lupin! That Remus Lupin..._

I felt really get discouraged and didn't seem wanted to do something though I knew that Mr. Homeworks couldn't wait for me to regain my ardor. I sighed heavily and loudly, hoping that letting out breath could make me more in spirit. And it was hopeless. So, I suggested you not to do it because it was useless.

Not long after I let out a sigh, the portrait hole of Fat Lady let opened and made a tunnel for _anybody _who walked inside this common room. I didn't have any interest to look at the person who will enter the common room. I had lost my interest in everything! Wait... why did I lose my interest? I wasn't like this before I went to that library where _both of them _doing something that _I couldn't interfere at all! _

Someone sat on the couch next to me. I turned my head to see who the person that sat next to me was. There I saw James. With the same exasperated sigh. With the same gloomy face. With the same pouting mouth.

"James?" I called him.

"Oh... hello, Sirius," He replied me gloomily.

"What happened?"

He seemed to hesitate at first and tried to change the topic. "And what happened to you?"

Okay... think fast... usual reason? "Just... don't know what to do," I shrugged, trying to be as ignorant as I could.

He eyed me and shrugged his shoulder also. "I blew everything off,"

Okay... even though he answered me now, didn't mean he would forget why I was as gloomy as he was and by that time I shall search for the reason why I looked depressed. This was out of that Remus Lupin for sure. Well... Maybe...

"What do you mean?"

"I blew everything off. About me and Lily, I mean," He shrugged off his shoulder again.

I didn't say anything. Okay... my brain could be a jerk that couldn't collaborate with the situation here. But, James continued on with his sharing moments.

"Well... I was confessing my feelings again towards Lily and she scoffed at me. I really felt underestimated by her. And I asked her why she didn't want to get out with me, sorta like that," He smiled weakly.

"And then?"

I tried my best to pay my whole attention to him! I was talking with James now! Remus Lupin, get out of my sight!

"She just scoffed and said something like I was only playing along with her and she hate me for being a womanizer. Hey... do you really think that I'm that womanizer?" he cocked his eyebrow.

"Erm... depends. If I compared you with Re.. I mean Peter, yes... you are. But, if I compared you with me, maybe I am the winner," I grinned, just to break the ice here (and to make James shooed away his curiosity with my bloody-hell-matter-that-I-even-didn't-know-what-it-was).

"I'm serious, Sirius," James sighed and ran his hand to his messy hair.

"Serious is me. Okay... back to business. What did you say to her then?"

"Your question was wrong. The correct one was: 'What did I do to her then?'. That's better,"

I frowned and my mouth made a small circle. "Oh... Okay... what did you do to her then?"

"I kissed her in front of all of the students of Hogwarts. Is that clear to you?" James looked away and looked gloomier. He hugged his bend kneels tightly. "It is sucks! She slapped me after that and cried,"

He let out another exasperated sigh before stood up and faced me. "I'm not in the mood of asking you why you're as dark as me tonight. Just prepare for a reasonable answer tomorrow. I will go upstairs. Company me?"

_Crap! I can't answer your question, you know that, James! _

See? I was very alike with James, just like two sides of palm. I knew him and he knew me. That's what unfortunate of having a mate which was too conscious about your bad day.

"Nope, thank you. Just wanted to hanging out a little bit more," I grinned at him.

He gave me a slight nod before went upstairs to get his beauty sleep. Or maybe bad sleep. Whatever.

I didn't know how long I stared blankly on the rage of fire again. All I knew was that I suddenly heard the classic old father clock struck eleven and I dragged my feet upstairs to the spiral staircase. When I was at the boys' door room, I heard the portrait hole let open (with Fat Lady's surprise gasp and complain).

I didn't know why I should quickly enter the dorm and lied on my own bed as if I was sleeping. My heart was thumping when I heard the door opened again and a figure which I knew it well entered the dark room.

I could feel that Remus walked across my bed and stopped at the edge of my bed. _Does he know that I hadn't fallen asleep? _

"I'm sorry... really sorry," Remus whispered softly at let out a soft sniff before swept away his sob. He continued to his own bed (which was next to mine) and sat on it for a long time and I felt his stare on me (though it was dark in our dorm room). He then lied on his bed and slept (or he wasn't? Dunno).

_What on my mind was who was he saying sorry to!

* * *

_

"Spill,"

I looked up and faced the boy with dark skin below his eyes. "What?"

"Spill the beans," James gawked at me.

Shit! I thought he had forgotten last night incident. "Beans?" I spooned a few green peas from my steak and offered them to James, trying to change the topic.

"Sirius Black, I don't think that your English phrase could be that dreadful," James glared at me.

"Just checking your mood in the morning. Anyway, I don't have something to spill," I inserted a piece of my meat into my mouth innocently.

"What happened with your 'date' with Remus?" He eyed me.

And crap! Why did my hand suddenly so weak so that I fell down my knife and fork.

"So, it related with that Remus Lupin, right?"

Think! Think! THINK! Okay... my brain couldn't think in a short time. It's useless. I sighed, regretting how stupid my brain was.

"Just seeing him with Jerry Mackanazia or sorta like that," I tried to act as if there's nothing wrong with that.

"Maybe, what you mean is Jerry Mackenzie," He corrected me (as usual).

_Whatever! I hate that boy now. Why should I remember his name?_

"Hell... I know that there's something about them. And, what made you so depressed?" James ate his tenderloin steak.

"Maybe not depressed but shocked... Dunno..." I paused, thinking the proper word to say to my best friend, but unfortunately couldn't find the word.

"Whatever! Geez, James, I even didn't know what had happened to me!" I threw my eating utensils to my plate, let it ignored by me.

I scratched my head, making my black hair messier. Hell... as if I could comb it in the morning. I didn't enough sleep last night and I overslept and didn't have enough time to comb my long hair. I regretted ever knowing a guy named Remus!

"..."

"What!"

James' expression was hard to draw. But I made a hint that he knew something that I didn't know.

"I know what happened to you,..." His eyes glinted, looking very proud of himself.

_See! I told ya! _

"And then, what had happened to me, Doctor James?" I asked him cynically.

"You love him,"

"..." I paused chewing my steak. Did I miss something from his word? "James... looks like I should check my health to Madam Pomfrey this afternoon,"

"Why?"

"I felt something on my throat yesterday when I saw Remus and that Jarre and now I think I heard you wrong," I let out an exasperated sigh.

"It's Jerry, Sirius. And yes, you heard me right: You-Love-Remus-Lupin. If you do not love him, why should you feel irritated and depressed when you see both of them together? And the disease of your throat that made me breathless was because you felt jealous to Jerry. I bet you also thumping hard that time," He leaned in and made our space smaller.

"Thanks for your useful advice, James. Need to throw it to the rubbish," I said to him with sarcasm.

"No! Wait! I hit it right, didn't I?" James held my hand to prevent me from run away from this conversation.

I let out an exasperated sigh before gave him a scoffing smile. "Whatever. I still like girls and Remus Lupin isn't a girl. Is that clear?"

_Yes! I'm straight! I'm straight! I-AM-STRAIGHT!_

"He's beautiful, more beautiful than girls you had ever met, isn't he, Sirius?"

Uh-oh... that playful smirk on his face again... Okay... he snapped me right again! 2-0 for James.

"As if I care. Could I close this case?" I tried to stay calm. Calm! Why can't my heart calm when it related to Remus Lupin?

I was about to leave the Great Hall before the owls filled the place with their flapping sound. I sighed and had stood up from my seat. I never got any mail from my family since they thought that it was some shame of me to be in Gryffindor, the worst enemy of Slytherin (aka my family).

"Hey, Sirius! There's a letter for ya!" Peter looked up from my package (he always checking everybody's package before that somebody could touch his own package).

I cocked an eyebrow and exchanged look to James (who shrugged his shoulder). I sat back and flipped the letter to its back side to check the sender.

_Aha! Kreacher... never knew that a house-elf could write a letter... A bit disappointing that I hoped it was from mom (though her condition was someone beyond a psychiatrist could handle). _

I tore the brown paper (with my family's seal) slowly. I didn't have any interest at all with the letter though James leaned to me and companied me reading the letter (He complained how slow I tear the letter).

_Master Sirius _(Uh-huh... Kreacher couldn't possibly _Dear Master Sirius, _since he hated me the most and vice versa).

_Master Black was died yesterday. And now, the family will bury him right away. Please give us an answer whether you're going to the funeral or not. _

_-- Kreacher_

I re-read the letter twice and read the same sentence. **_Master Black was died yesterday. _**

I didn't know how to react. I hate my dad. I really hate him! But, somehow, deep inside my heart something felt wrong and I lost something. James looked at me deeply before returning to his seat (he patted me slightly on my shoulder).

"Black?"

I looked up to the voice and there, I saw hazel eyes I'd longed for since waking up this morning. I almost grabbed his hand but when I saw the blue eyes boy beside him, I re-thought again. I laughed wearily.

"Black? What happened?" Remus touched my shoulder.

James stayed calm in his seat, didn't even bother to speak up. I slapped Remus hand and smirked at him. I couldn't think anything in this proper moment. My brain was as black as when I saw Remus with that Jerry or someone named like that. Black, _yeah_... that's my family name, wasn't it? Dark and gloomy.

"Showing your lovey dovey moment in front of me, huh, Lupin? Get lost! Go dating anywhere else!" I snapped him.

Remus' eyes showed that I was hurting him. But, Jerry, on the other hand, slipped his hand to Remus' slender waist.

"Yeah, we're going to Honeydukes this evening. Join us, Black?" Jerry smirked at me.

I glared darkly to him, reaching my wand and readied to point it to this boy that almost reached my anger limit. I was lost in my emotion and couldn't think clearly. All I could see was this jerk Jerry whose hand now was in Remus' waist.

I felt that somehow the students' chattering faded away. James' screamed at me but I couldn't clearly hear what he said. And Remus' eyes were showing his fear on me.

Yes... this is the most appropriate thing right? Actually, I really belonged to Slytherin since I became this evil just because jealousy and broken heart. I didn't belong to Gryffindor.

"Rid..." I flicked my wand to Jerry who faced me calmly.

"EXPELLIARMUS!"

And soon, my wand was beyond than my reach. I looked at the person who took my wand away from me. I glared to the boy who now handing two wands in his hand.

"Don't you dare, James... Give me back my wand!" I hissed with fury to him.

"Sirius! Do you want to be expelled! Merlin, Sirius!" James yelled at me and I could feel the whole Great Hall watched us. The teachers were coming towards us. Professor McGonagall touched my shoulder.

"Mr Black, are you okay?"

I glared to James for some seconds before slapped Professor McGonagall's hand harshly and stormed out of the Great Hall.

"Sirius!" I could hear Remus calling my name. My given name! Not my family name! Geez... why should I feel excited about that!

James shouted my name. So did Professor McGonagall and other teachers. The students were chatting with each other and I could hear that they were saying my name many times.

I didn't care at all! I stormed to the Astronomy Tower and felt sun shine went to my face through the half-ball glass. I didn't feel like going to the dorm since James would search me there and I didn't want to see anybody at the moment.

Nobody ever going to the Astronomy Tower and I would find my silent time there. _I hate everybody! I hate my father! I hate Jerry! I hate Remus Lupin! I hate James Potter! I HATE EVERYONE!_

I sat on one of the seat on the Astronomy Tower, forgetting my wand and Kreacher's letter.

_Kreacher's letter! I abandoned it! _

I looked up to my empty hand in my realization. I checked my robes and found nothing. After a few second, I slumped back to the lounge seat.

_Whatever! I don't care about anything anymore! Let them expelled me! This is right, I don't belong to everywhere! _

A knock in the door made me back to the reality. I looked up to the door and hid myself though I still checking who was coming to the tower.

"Black? I know that you're in here," the newly-come person walked down the low stairs that lied between the long seats (A/N: like in theatres).

I muttered under my breath though I was sure that the newcomer didn't hear my muttering. Or maybe he heard me... because he stopped on the stair I hid myself and walked toward my hidings. After a few second I could feel that the owner of that voice was beside me.

"I find you,"

He took away my robe (that I used for hiding). I looked up and met soft hazel eyes of Remus Lupin, a person whom I didn't feel like meeting him at this moment. Actually, I didn't even know my feelings... In one side, I wanted to be alone. But, in the other side, I wanted to be accompanied. Weirdo. For the first time of my life, he smiled to me. _He smiled to me! _

I looked away, hiding my face to him (in case if I was blushing). "What do you want? Looking me doing stupid things again?"

He frowned. "You're not stupid, Black," He sat on the seat next to me.

I scowled at him. "Is that sarcasm? Get lost... Gerry is waiting for you in Honeydukes. Rather than accompany a stupid person, you better accompany a smart ass, right?"

He sighed and rolled his eyes. "His name is Jerry. Anyway, Can't we be friend just for a moment? I'm sick of quarreling unimportant matters with you for 4 years, Black,"

I quieted down. I bent my kneels, hugging them.

"Sorry, I read your letter," He showed me Kreacher's letter and gave me the letter.

I took the letter lazily. "Never mind,"

A crooked silent grew between us. None of us said a word. "How is Ferry? Aren't you going to go with him to Honeydukes this evening?"

He kept silent. His face showed an apologizing look. "His name was Jerry, Black. Well... don't think it went well, eh?"

We were in silent again. I knew that I shouldn't be happy this time... but,... the thought of I ruined their date made me flying a bit higher. Damn! James couldn't be true that I loved him, right?

Merlin! What had I done that You made me head over heels to a boy while girls were out there wishing me to notice that they were exist in my Dictionary of Beautiful Woman?

I looked over my companion who seemed enjoyed the silence moment between us. He looked the whole room with happy expression.

"This tower looks fantastic! I wonder how beautiful it is when night," he looked the autumn sky through the glass.

I smiled. He looked like a child, very like a child. He faced me with his smiling face again. Merlin! Don't wake me up! Please! My one and only wish for the moment: let this be forever.

"You are not going to write them the reply?" He pointed to Kreacher's letter. My attention went to the brown letter. He eyed me. I could feel it on the corner of my eyes.

"I don't know," I shrugged my shoulder ignorantly and slipped the letter on my robe.

He looked at me deeply. I thought he was going to say something but he didn't. He just shrugged his shoulder and looked the sky again.

"Date with me in here tonight?"

Somehow somewhat, I couldn't control my lips for saying that to him. Shit! I really hate my mouth these days for being uncooperative with my brain and cooperative with my disobedient heart of mine!

Remus averted his gaze quickly to my eyes, looking at me with disclosure. His eyes went wide. Geez... that amber eyes really looked wonderful!

AKH! Merlin! I went mad, crazy, and insane at the same time! Me, the one who always received the date invitation from half of the girls in Hogwarts, was now giving the invitation to a boy whom I always quarrelling and torturing with for these 4 years. Moreover, he was **a boy **and **had a smart boyfriend that went along with him well. **

I guessed it wasn't only my aunty and my mother who need a psychiatrist, but I also needed one too.

-- TBC

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**For Beta-Readers: **Many people said that I should search for a beta-reader for correcting my worst English... anybody out there who will help me?

That's for today... :D giggling... save their date for the next chapter, okay? I would be very pleased if you have a minute of your life for giving me some happiness through your review... thanks!


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